You're so vain, you probably think this wearable tech type is about you.* Two years ago, we looked at five types of wearable tech owner, but times have changed and everything from the ages to the interests of smartwatch/tracker/connected accessory users has changed with them.
If you check out the press images shot by tech companies, you might think that wearables are worn exclusively by ridiculously good looking amateur athletes who can't find the power switch for their megawatt smiles.
Of course, most of you are just regular people, into tech, health, fitness or all of the above. For 2017, though, here's nine people from the wearable tech scene you've probably met online or IRL. I mean, some of them have even infiltrated the Wareable editorial team – they're (you're?) everywhere.
*The characters are all fictional.
The Pebble Die Hard
The Pebble Die Hard is the most evangelical of the wearable tech wearers of 2017. Rocking a Pebble 2 (with a back up Steel) and telling everyone who doesn't ask that there are zero real alternatives for price, battery and intuitive UI, the Die Hard bitches about Fitbit in online forums but secretly holds out hope that its first post-acquisition smartwatch will include something, anything from Pebble's DNA.
Find them amongst the Rebble #rebirth chatter on the Pebble Discord Server, learning to code so they can help keep Pebble apps, watch faces and services alive next year. Hobbies include scouring Kickstarter for their next hero and getting misty eyed about that time they met Eric at a hackathon.
The Apple Watch Accessoriser
The Apple Watch Accessoriser has never downloaded a smartwatch app but will show you their Toy Story watch face, Coach strap or yesterday's Activity rings with pride. When they fasten it around their wrist in the morning, they feel a little bit more like a Great Human of The Future, in the mould of Elon Musk or the future female Elon they might become if only they can live up to the promise of the Watch, and they fucking love it.
Isn't aware yet but will buy the Apple Watch Series 3 by the end of the year.
The Connected Nana
What a dreamboat. The Connected Nana compares her wristwear with the ladies down at water aerobics, calls you once a week to double check how to charge her tracker and still doesn't really know what she's wearing. She does know she did nearly 9,000 steps yesterday, though, and she's got her eye on a powered bodysuit to help with the stairs.
You might think the Connected Nana is an easy target but she's as picky as she is vocal – if the buttons are hard to press or the voice controls don't work, she isn't having any of it. Shape up, wearable tech, and do better.
The Strava Wanker
This serial bragger tags everything they do in Strava, and I mean everything, including running a 0.3 mile segment up a hill or naming ride/run captions "to McDonalds", "lunges', "date night walk" or even "my wedding".
Hobbies including drawing shapes via Strava routes – cocks are everywhere, we have more respect for the odd Homer Simpson or Michelangelo's David. See @stravawankers and #stravawankers if you're still not sure if you've encountered one.
Is this the worst roller coaster in the world?
2:45? I'd get my money back if I were you Brian. #stravawanker pic.twitter.com/ZWxSKTEneL
— Strava Wankers (@stravawankers) June 15, 2017
The Fitbit Vacationers
You see the Fitbit Vacationers sat across from you in Carluccio's, staring at their menus, looking for the gluten-free options. They're dressed in evening athleisure, with His and Hers Charge 2's – His with a navy blue band, Hers a tasteful turquoise. He found a deal even though they can comfortably afford one each.
Completing challenges – the Yosemite Loop when they're nowhere near Yosemite – is holding their marriage together.
The Covert Calorie Counter
This sneaky fish wears a hideable, with no screen or obvious gadgety goodness, that you can't tell is monitoring anything. But in furtive moments – in the loo, on the bus, under their desk – they'll open up the fitness app to catch up on their steps, distance and estimated calories burned for the day as well as fire up MyFitnessPal to frantically enter (almost) everything they've eaten.
The Covert Calorie Counter doesn't want to admit they're trying to lose weight and get fit, in case they fail.
If a friend recognises the tracker, they panic and flail before settling on a little white lie rather than admit their six month plan. You don't need to explain why stuff is vibrating on your body to anyone, guys, you can do this.
The Style Repeller
As the Man Repeller is for out-there, non-sexy fashion fans, so the Style Repeller is for smart sports watch spec-heads who just do not care if you think they look dorky in their big, bulky beasts of wearables. They want 4G, GPS, GLONASS, HRV, altimeters, barometers, they want it all and they want it now.
Find them creating their own spreadsheet of precisely which Garmin model offers the best features for the money, swapping notes on which firmware update has landed and calibrating their Connect dashboard just so.
The Fat Controller
On a one person mission to control their entire smart home from the couch. IFTTT automation, voice controlled hubs, wearable click buttons, sensors stuck on every surface, it's all happening.
The Fat Controller is a willing slave to convenience and doesn't believe in expending energy when AI can handle it. This homebody can never move apartments but they've got to the stage where their only real day-to-day anxiety is the Wi-Fi going down. Top hat and tails not required.
The Insomniac has poured hundreds into pillows, pills and a mattress they heard about on a podcast advert – to no avail. Unlike those of us who consider their bed a loyal friend, the Insomniac regards the bed as seriously sus, proceeding to surround it with under-sheet trackers, smart night lights and being unwilling to enter without a sleep tracker secure on wrist or head.
Into fresh crowdfunding concepts with legit links to the circadian rhythm research and on the verge of booking VR therapy. Sometimes, the Insomniac lies awake at 4am unable to remember if they are tracking the bed or the bed is tracking them.
How we test