I arrive at the counter and put in my order: one white Americano. The barista asks for two British pounds. Little does he know that social conventions are about to burst into flames.
We've now locked in a complex social and subconscious dance. He's looking for my reaction. He wants me to pull my wallet from my pocket and reach for coins, notes or a card – that will signal his next step. But I'm just standing there. Now I'm pulling my sleeve up to reveal a large white bracelet.
No-one knows what to do.
Wearable payments revolution
The era of wearable payments is well and truly upon us, and as Apple Pay expands from the US to include UK banks, Barclaycard – a UK bank – has launched the bPay band its own wearable payments system.
Essential reading: How to set up Apple Pay on the Apple Watch
What I'm waggling in this barista's face is actually the second edition. The first was trialled last year as a way for people to make contactless payments from things that aren't their debit or credit card.
While the wristband (£24.99) steals the show, bPay is a collection of devices including a keyfob (£14.99) and a sticker (£9.99) that can be attached to any item imaginable to turn it into a contactless device. Each has to be bought separately.
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The set up process is fairly easy. You register your card, and then you can add money to it. You don't need to be a Barclaycard customer, as you're essentially adding money to the band each time – like a wearable betting account. You can add anything from £5 to £200, and have the band automatically top itself up, so there need never be an interruption to your rampant spending.
What it's like to wear
For something with one single feature, the bPay band is a hefty wearable. It's like a big plastic bangle, which unclips for you to slot the contactless card inside. There's no need for charging or any of that nonsense, as just like your bank card, all the magic happens without the need for power.
Given the lack of need for any kind of technology whatsoever, it's actually slightly bemusing why the bPay band is so large.
But its size and similarity to a prisoner's day release tracker are not the most awkward thing about it. It's that silence, the one that myself and the barista are still locked in.
"I'm going to pay by contactless," became my stock request to overcome those silences, a subtext for "JUST TURN ON THE CONTACTLESS MACHINE AND STOP STARING ALREADY". Standing there gormlessly or raising the cuff of my jacket to reveal the bracelet became something I came to dread.
What we learned about wearable payments
It's not a problem that's just Barclaycard's. Using Apple Pay also means you have to endure the same thing – although as it becomes more widely recognised the problem should dissipate. I will flash the Watch, they will know that's how I need to pay. The bPay will never enjoy the same ubiquity.
That's already starting to happen. During a failed Apple Pay payment at our local store (resulting from not quite being able to fully contort my arm to make a good connection with the payment reader) the guy behind me asked "have you actually got that to work yet?" He was genuinely interested. He made the awkward situation okay.
But it all shows that making wearable payments commonplace is more than a tech question. It's an incredibly complex social science that's not going to happen overnight.
bPay isn't a serious product – it's another standard-bearer for the payment revolution and a exercise for Barclaycard to show it's a forward thinking bank (which doesn't support Apple Pay). While contactless cards moved us away from old chip-and-pin, bands like this are primers for a future where our bank cards no longer exist at all.
The bPay wristband is a great publicity tool – but the furthest from a usable and desirable solution. But just one day was enough for us to yearn for a future where paying is faster, easier and possible where ever you are. And wearables will drive that future.